Saturday, April 28 - Wednesday,? May 2, 2001This entry is actually made about a month later. The process of digesting the changes was aching, but beneficial. I'll try to sum things up:
At that period, I was madly in love with someone. I thought that she was the one; all the signs were there. Saturday, April 28, the 7th day of the Seed Exercise, has prepared a lethal blow for me, as I found out that she met someone ellllllllsssseeee. The thought haunted me even during the last exercise. I was rising from the ground, growing, the body both moved by itself and with my own help, making me understand another lesson - that the progress should be both done by the Universe and by my own decisions. However, that was not all.
I couldn't flee the emotional pain. It was as if a void was created in my chest, sucking out the will to live. All the rational thinking did no good. I spilt my guts on the Open Forum; I've confessed to her and to my best friend, cleaning guilt and bad Karma; I had to reform my view at the life that lies ahead of me - life without her! But I was yet to understand the greater meaning of all of it.
Here is what I eventually posted on the Forum, after all came clear to me.
This week indicated both the lowest and the highest points of my life. If you read below, you'd know that someone whom I loved and saw as the love of my life, is not in love with me. The experience was devastating, to say the least - and it lead to a severe spiritual crisis. The whole thing started on Saturday, when I was to do the "Seed Exercise" for the last time - it's an exercise of re-birth from Paolo Coehlo's book, "Diary of a Mage." I didn't understand how, since the previous week was full of spiritual process, this whole "love - no love" event exploded in my face.
Well, to make the long story short, there were, however, signs that explained to me what it all was about. I carried around with me for months a heavy luggage - I didn't tell my two closest friends about my emotions. The Universe - and myself - couldn't possibly allow me drag it on and on. It was guilt, and even a bad Karma.
On the night between Sat. and Sunday, I had a dream in which my parents are having a new baby - and he was named "Nasich" (Prince, in Hebrew). The baby, in that dream, looked at me with recognizing, understanding eyes. Only yesterday, Wednesday morning, I understood it all, and it clicked.
Look, I died earlier this week, I truly have. It wasn't just love based on attraction - it was spiritual and all-consuming. I've pictured the rest of my life with her. Now that it all blew to pieces, I had no life to look forward to. My life has ended. Yes, I've reached the conclusion that I must still fight for myself, must remain the constant survivor, the rubber ball that bounces right back (Tia's description for me) - but even that was not enough. What opened a huge new white blank page for me, was the realization, that I had a spiritual experience not so widely known. Re-birth.
So, on May the 2nd, I've completed my conscious reincarnation, shedding behind me 24 years of the PREVIOUS lifetime. I thought that there was no love for me in this life - and, behold, I live again, anew, with new opportunities and turns. It's not a psychological thing - I'm telling you, I was re-born.
Those who deal with Magick and Wicca know the importance of April 30 (Beltane, or Valpurgis). At this point, the tide of yearly energy reaches its highest peak. This whole experience of death and re-birth was centered around this date. I thought, at first, how come on April 30 I had such a lousy situation - but death, as I found out, is not final. It's a change. My spiritual crisis was registered as death (death of past illusions and guilt, as well) - and new life followed.
More conclusions came later, and many more additional spiritual experiences. It's worthy to mention that I barely slept between Sunday and Monday, and, at that night, I've discovered that I'm seeing my room, lit by dimmed white light - yet my eyes were closed! I opened them, so the room as it appears in the dark, then closed them again, to see the room with my, I guess, astral vision. A person whom I've communicated with once over the Internet, had a message back then for me, saying that, once I will be able to see the room through my eyes, I'd know that I jumped another level.
My mind is freer now, with less illusions and fantasies occupying it. I'm much more connected to the spiritual; I understand that there are still endless, infinite things for me to discover... The journey continues - anew.
One last remark - somewhere around that time, I also had a dream in which I moved forward in time from the past, observing my life. My life passed in front of me - isn't it a sign of a death experiences? Death = Change = Birth = Life.