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 Monday, April 23, 2001Today I made my way to my forest altar very quickly. I crossed the bridge, took my staff that the street lamp was guarding. The most outstanding event on my way was that I saw a movement by the side of the path and ran toward it to discover? a turtle, a relatively large one! I picked it up with my right fingers, holding it by the edges of its armor, it shyly/protectively pulled in its clawed paws and the head, tiny black eyes are watching me. I put it back on the ground. I quickly walked the path, random thoughts in my mind, thinking that I should write it all down, and I nearly passed the shrine. I looked to my right, uncertain whether it was the tree, even searched the ground for the broken stick I used yesterday as the point of the arrow. I finally decided to enter - but didn't find the small entrance path in the weeds. Something already started not feeling right. I've made my way trough - and my staff broke off a smaller tree growing on the embankment! Guess I'll be using that other place, further down the path, with the staffs, to get a new one, earlier than I thought I would.
I couldn't sit properly on the ground to do the thrilling exercise for the second time. Something in all of it was bothering. There were sticks under my legs, that I had to remove, there was an ant or a spider crawling under the fallen leaves, so I had to change my location. As I finally knelt, I couldn't quite relax. At last, I imagined being the seed and let my fingers move, and then I heard a man's voice behind me. I immediately opened my eyes, stopping the exercise! The voice was just a megaphone announcement, reaching me from the far port, or the railroad. It interrupted me, nonetheless. I forced myself to relax again (notice the contradiction), and started the Seed Exercise again. The arms, and then the shoulders, where flapping violently and differently this time, back and forth, and then the most unforeseen thing took place - as I was standing on my knees, the "possession"/movements just stopped in the middle. I was a plant that didn't complete its growth, that stopped developing in the middle. I continued it, however, letting my body convulsively rise, sun was burning through my closed eyelids as I stretched upwards, I briefly screamed and opened them. The sun wasn't above me, it was heading toward the western part of horizon (I've chosen 6 PM to be the exercise hour). Nonetheless, I felt empty. If the first time can be compared to a powerful orgasm after hours of sex (pard my metaphor), then this was just a short blank masturbation. Something was definitely wrong. I must have not been in the right state of mind, and I will be tomorrow, but, until then, there will be a bad feeling about all of this. Has the Nature rejected me? Something that I thought, or didn't do? Not pleased with myself, I walked from my temple into the "staffs storage", holding the broken one. I reached the place with the blue sign and headed toward the other staffs. I counted them, there were about seven or so of them. I've decided not to take a new one, but do so only tomorrow. Forgot to mention - during the exercise, I usually lean the staff against a trunk of a fallen/bent tree nearby. I threw away the pieces of the broken one and left the staffs place - not able to find the usual regular way out of it. I was trying to reach a coherent conclusion, to formulate an idea about what went wrong, something more than "not being in appropriate state of mind, not thinking only positive thoughts". I went for a while in the high grass and then reached the main path. I walked it, the river on my right side now, then stopped at a small junction, where a sleeve out of the path was leading toward the river. I closed my eyes, listening to the voices of Nature, a slight heaviness in my head made me turn it to the left. I opened my eyes to see a tree with a big broken branch. Does it symbolize anything? Am I broken? Are the issues I thought of are broken? I closed the eyes again, opening my mind, letting a clear answer to flow in. I'm standing on a junction. Voodoo priests used junctions as powerful symbols. Why? Because junctions symbolize junctions in our life, points where we make decisions, turns in the course of our lives. Is it truly so? Because most of the drivers reach the junction and just turn in the direction they knew of before, that they have chosen long before they reached the junction. It's because? ?they took the road for granted. I shouldn't take the path for granted. I shouldn't treat the way as obvious. That was the answer, and as I dug into it, applying it on myself, I was feeling a relief. Today, I quickly walked the path, not noticing the details. But, the path is unique, and it matters not less than the final result, the destination. And that was another one of lessons taught in Coehlo's book. I went to the river, a bird was beautifully singing - another good sign for me; then I returned to the main path and continued; I saw the blue sign slightly further on - I took too much to the right when I was exiting the staffs' spot, or, rather, the path took me there, so that I pass the junction and receive the answer! I was embraced, I felt the smooth, warm air, I paid attention to the details, the ducks on the river, the birds. At certain point, I came across a puddle in the middle of the path, I knelt and watched for a long time with fascination the life of a small Universe in there, many black dots with nearly microscopic tails - tadpoles! Nature is tough, it continues existing in all the unlikely conditions, adapting - or making the environment adapt. And look, there are already new reeds growing through the ashes of the earlier fire. Yesterday, I thought about the river being polluted, and I wondered about its nymph/undine - the water elemental - living in it. Is she tough, like the one living in the swamp I found in the small piece of a forest at my old military base? Maybe not quite so. The feeling was great once again. I crossed the bridge back to the park's reality and went to check on the zoo animals. Earlier, when I was heading toward the forest, I stopped here as well, and the female ostrich was running toward me - recognition? I've approached the guarding rail - and a deer fled from the ditch under it to the center of animals' space. I thought at first it to be one of the white antelopes, then realized the truth and was amazed once again. It was smaller and brown-grey, it was one of those deer that can seen in the wilderness around Ashdod - especially the ones we saw in the Dune with Rinor!!! Like Tia said, a stag is the revelation of God (the male, as opposed to Goddess). Me and the deer watched each other for a while, despite the fact that I slowly changed my position. Yes, it was a powerful, divine sign. The deer wasn't a part of the display, I think, it accidentally jumped in there (or "appeared", as I think of it now). He looked weirdly next to the African animals. I've telepathically told him I'm a friend. One of the antelopes chased him away a bit, protective about its territory, and a zebra, encouraged by antelope's doing, chased the deer off a little bit more. Before or after that, I picked a long stem of a weed and, reaching above the railing, held it out for an antelope. It sniffed it, then ate, gratefully, as I thought, making a dog-like face in my direction. I fed another stem to another antelope near further part of the fence - the deer disappeared when I looked to find him. The antelope chewed on the stem, turning its head so that the tips of its spiral horns were in my hand's reach. I should have touched them, it was what was meant to happen, but I lingered a bit, the antelope turned its head back, plus a guard (park ranger?) appeared, so I dropped the idea, unfortunately. I was feeling good, though, as I walked back home.
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