It's a week that I'm in my dilemma, a problem, a question I can't answer... no one can... but I can.
Maybe I don't want to answer this question, maybe I'm glad with this situation as it is, but maybe I don't.
Last week I felt I need to do my meditation, in Aldarow's place with him.
It's Saturday (3/20/99), afternoon, and we both entered to the meditation state...
It was not clear, but it didn't surprise me, lately none of my meditations are clear and the same thing was back now, many pictures, sounds, images, the sounds of the birds from outside of Aldarow's house helped me to be peaceful and relaxed, but I knew it was now, present, and not the meditation.
I tried to go deeper with it, tried to talk to my Inspector maybe, but at the same time couldn't talk to him, it was funny because I couldn't find him, I was out of control and it wasn't me in that meditation who controlled everything, I could snap out of it into Aldarow's living room, but I would have felt that I haven't accomplished a thing... so I stayed in the meditation and was looking for something to hold, to concentrate, just something that I could think of in order not to get out of that state... and there it was... my Inspector, was standing there... somewhere... anywhere, and he said nothing, I was afraid, I thought something went wrong, nothing like this had ever occurred to me... it was different... and it kept being there... that something that was controlling my meditation...
The Inspector smiled at me, a smile that said: ?I know something you don't?, and now I was real afraid, he looked evil too, half evil, half trying to help... and he said nothing, maybe evil won this time... or maybe he was evil all the time...
The next thing I recall was the thought that after the meditation I understood was a cosmic message that was true and came from my meditation state and was not a false thought... it was the thought that there is something big, strong, different, something among us we don't see, or something we prefer not to see, but what we don't understand is that this... thing... is pure evil... and he is the worst thing ever to be in this planet... among our innocent souls!
At that moment I didn't know what to do, what to think, it was different to me, no help, no Inspector, and I didn't want to come out of the meditation, I wanted to know all the situations there are with this thing, I wanted to know what is this thing, what evil power? Where is he? How do we kill it, or sent it away from us? I wanted the answers and now!
There was no one to give me what I wanted, not there and not at that same moment, the scariest thought that was cosmic and true as well was that we are getting our strength and energy from the universe and then it is back to the universe and in that circle we stay powerful and together... but this thing among us is taking the energies away from us to himself, and in this way the energy we took from the universe is not back to it, it is going from us to the ?thing?, and in this way... sooner or later, there will come a day the pure energy of the universe will ran out and disappear, and with that, so are we!
Twenty-five minutes later, I was out of the meditation and staring at Aldarow's TV, my hands on my face and my head hurt.
I told Aldarow everything I've seen, heard, experienced... but he was relaxed, sure it didn't happen to him as to me but he should be amazed, no? With his jaw on the floor...
NO! He knew what had happened, he knew what I was going through, he experienced it in his own way... in dreams (The dream Aldarow encountered the Devil), and now it was my turn, in my own way, meditations.
Aldarow solved his dilemma, the dilemma between the two sides of this planet, good and evil, he chose good, he has his reasons, his experiences, his way... and I have mine, it seems it is my time to choose, not because he did it and now I should, but because after all these meditations, and especially this one, I understood I need to choose, good or evil...
It's not that simple as you all might think, I never thought I would face this decision, I always thought I could communicate and face both sides when and how I want to, never occurred to me there will come a day that I would have to decide.
Maybe there is something among us, among our innocent souls, maybe he is evil, but as far as I see it for me... this something is inside of me, no one can tell me which way I should choose, Aldarow knows that nothing of what he says will help, he knows I like evil, evil power, evil strength, he knows there are times I'm afraid of evil and wish only for the best, the good, but this is me, this is the true nature of Rinor Zidran, and no one can make this decision except me... I only know now, that everything I do, feel, see or hear, I will think about it differently, deeply, and how it is to me and to my situation... I know also that it may be long, the answer may come in a few days, a couple of months, or even longer than that, I know I'll go back to my roots, the old house I lived in, the pure and innocent time of my life, the time I felt everything is good, and nothing can hurt me... I'll go to the sea, to the Dune, to Aldarow, all the places I feel safe... in order to get away, think, and maybe in one of those days I'll have the answer to my question, maybe in one of days I'll see, hear, feel, discover the truth behind my experiences and messages.
I wish you all luck and all the best... I thank you for your support from the bottom of my heart, and my innocent soul...